


pack yourself a toothbrush dear

by melancholyandserendipity



Category: QCYN2, THE9 (Band), Youth With You, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV), 青春有你2
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, roadtrip au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24311056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melancholyandserendipity/pseuds/melancholyandserendipity
Summary: in between lingzi's and xueer's birthdays, ten girls go to the beach, and then to a mountain, all in five days. keni and yu yan have been friends since freshman year and they're now in the limbo between 'we sleep against each other's backs' and 'we wake up with tangled limbs'aka the roadtrip au no one asked for.
Relationships: Kong Xue'er/Xu Jiaqi, Yu Shuxin/Zhao Xiaotang, Yu Yan/Zeng Keni
Comments: 7
Kudos: 103





	1. baby you're like lightning in a bottle

**Author's Note:**

> this hasn't been beta'd and im trying out a kinda different thing so pls let me know what you think in the comments. each chapter title and probably some intro or outros will be from songs that are specifically intended for the vibe/context of that chapter so also check that out if you have time. all roadtrips have playlists and this one isn't particularly a completely happy one <3

i. electric love // børns

zeng keni bursts into yu yan’s tiny room of their shared apartment without knocking, her mouth half occupied with chewing a piece of her waffle and half rambling about the beach and xueer’s birthday and spring before she notices the redhead still in her bed and paying too little attention. yu yan has half a mind to get up and give her a shoulder throw but keni beats her to it and jumps on the older girl’s bed instead.

“what the hell were you saying?”

“we’re going on a roadtrip!” it’s more of a declaration than a question and yu yan knows better than to argue at this point, choosing to push off the girl lying across her stomach and head to the bathroom.

yu yan walks into their kitchen to find waffles and coffee waiting for her on the counter beside keni’s own plate and she gives the girl a weird side hug with a small blush before clearing her throat. “you must be excited for the thing if you’re this happy in the morning, what was it again?”

“it’s spring break and xueer wanted to go somewhere far for her birthday so she invited us and some clowns to go with her. it’s only for .”

“just how many clowns are we talking?”

“so there’s xueer and jiaqi, xiaotang and shuxin, keyin, lingzi, zihan, chengxuan, and us!” keni counts off from her fingers and smiles when she reaches ten. yu yan internally groans at the thought of spending five days with nine crazy girls but the way keni smiles right now makes her grin back, like the moon reflecting light from the sun, her sun.

“ugh. where are we going?” keni clasps her hands at yu yan’s response and starts talking about the itinerary and everything in between, the other girl just watching with a ghost of smile and a fuzzy feeling settling in her stomach.

it’s a bit of a haze for yu yan but in three days they’re completely packed for five days with a cooler, snacks, and a few corn cobs in her old suv’s trunk. lingzi, zihan, and chenxuan settle in the back seat and yu yan thinks for a moment why they’re even using two cars when they could probably fit in shuxin’s van. “first of all it’s a _vintage volkswagen_ van, and we want to have enough space for all our stuff in the back.” she remembers the rich girl’s correction and chuckles a little.

“what’s funny?” keni climbs in the passenger seat, prompting yu yan to get ready to drive to shuxin’s apartment.

“oh i was just thinking about how we ended up in two cars.”

“well you know some of us don’t pack lightly.” keni glances at her best friend in the back seat hugging a dinosaur pillow, lingzi furrows her eyebrows at her. “hey we _all_ brought a lot of shit. xueer has two suitcases!”

“it’s her birthday”

“this is a shared celebration!” the whole car laughs at lingzi’s exasperation but yu yan cuts it off quickly to check if everyone’s ready to go, taking off after a chorus of yes and a noncommittal nod from zihan.

they arrive at shuxin’s apartment in less than twenty minutes but everyone’s already there, scattered around the apartment and yu yan can already tell this is only 9% of the potential chaos from this roadtrip. xueer and jiaqi greet them at the door, the latter’s hand wrapped around the shorter girl’s waist and they tell them to eat anything on the table. keni’s in the middle of adoring how yu yan takes care of the shy chengxuan, constantly telling the girl to pick the healthy things and eat well for the long trip; when shuxin all but stands on the table, voice booming across the apartment.

“okay everybody come in here! we’re going to go over the plan.” grumbling is heard around the room as the girls all gather in the main room. shuxin and xiaotang talk about the itinerary and their plans in each location, going over their intended schedule and buddy system.

“what about roommates?”

“ugh, no dibs with jiaqi and xueer i don’t need to see that.”

“keni’s just bitter she’s single.” jiaqi smirks at the taller girl who just sends back a glare.

“maybe if she wasn’t so busy fucking around.” the other girls laugh with keyin who gets a pillow in her face and keni laughs along too until she meets yu yan’s eyes but there’s something there that she can’t quite read.

“okay anyways, we have three rooms so jiaqi and i will just go with these crackheads and the other rooms will have three people each” xueer says, a chorus of agreement following before shuxin continues the assignments.

“right and im sorry to everyone else since your room isn’t as fun without me but it’ll be okay! keyin and zihan are buddies so you can stay in room 2 with…lingzi?” the girl in question merely nods in response, obviously more interested in the bread she’s eating.

“great! so that leaves yu yan, keni, and chengxuan. happy family!” yu yan seems to have spaced out until shuxin mentions her and she chuckles at the smiling chengxuan, leaving a half confused keni alone with her thoughts before they all leave the apartment.

-+-

the first hour of the ride is just like any other roadtrip montage in every teenage movie ever. keni plugs in her phone and blasts a weird mix with borns, dua lipa, and the beatles from the car speakers. the girls are all scream singing to electric love and in two swift motions, keni swings over to the backseat, opens the sunroof and climbs up; hands in the air and screaming at the top of her lungs. she looks like the picture perfect definition of those gorgeous liberated girls you can only see in films, practically glowing when she comes back down and smiles at yu yan in a way that makes the redhead combust. she melts in a reddened cheek mess of a smile back, falling even more and yu yan kinda hates herself a little.

“did you ever think we’d be here right now?” the three girls in the backseat are all sound asleep and keni’s the first to break their past few minutes of comfortable silence with yu yan’s occasional humming.

“no. i had never thought we’d be going on a roadtrip on springbreak of our senior year.”

“right? i thought this was a summer thing.” keni pauses for a second before continuing. “i’m glad though. i really am.”

yu yan thinks it’s also kind of ridiculous it took them almost four years before going on a trip with each other, funny how that’s also how long she’s been in love with her jiejie turned roommate. if she wasn’t driving she probably would have flashed back to their first meeting, of pairings in econ class and questioning why keni started college three years later than usual. she takes a glance at the older girl and smiles, a genuinely soft one this time.

“me too.” keni takes that as a cue to grab yu yan’s free right hand, intertwining it with her own and then with a tiny glimmer in her eyes, asks for a promise like a seven-year-old. “promise we’ll be just happy this week?”

yu yan squeezes her hand in response, aware that keni already knows the answer anyway. “i’ll make you happy too.”

somehow her hand moves on its own and brings their intertwined fingers closer, placing a chaste kiss on keni’s knuckles and says something that makes the other girl’s mind go haywire. “you already have, baby.” keni pulls away in a poor attempt to hide her flustered face, pretending to be concerned about how the wrong song is playing and yu yan just smiles in return.

_i’ll make you the happiest, zeng keni._

-+-

they arrive at the small beach hotel way too late for lunch and way too early for dinner. by some god’s miracle they actually get to check in despite keyin and shuxin bickering over keeping all the snacks in yu yan’s car.

“well you should have taken some for yourself before we left.”

“how could you _not_ share when everyone was starving to death?”

“you’re such a drama queen”

“aww thanks, you’re a quee—”

“both of you shut up and get to the rooms, we can head down for an early dinner after.” yu yan turns to the girl with a grumbling stomach beside her. “do you want some co—”

“please do not give chengxuan corn, yan” keni smiles at the small girl while unloading their stuff from the other car. “she can pick and eat what she wants.”

chengxuan giggles and mumbles something about getting a sandwich from the car and yu yan just shrugs and moves to help the other girl with their bags.

“i can’t believe you’re jealous over a baby.” xiaotang teases keni from the other side of the van and lingzi joins in, having gathered all her stuff. “no she’s upset yu yan’s not babying _her_ instead.”

the two laugh and keni’s cheeks redden but yu yan still has the audacity to wink and make the taller girl almost trip on nothing as she walks to the lobby.

their early dinner goes by smoothly and yu yan’s actually surprised nobody ended up in a food fight or whatever else xiaotang would probably instigate. the girls end up watching a cheesy romcom and yu yan’s pretty sure zihan fell asleep twenty minutes into it and shuxin talks over half of the movie but that just means all is right in the world and she thinks _maybe this roadtrip wasn’t such a bad idea after all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i was actually preparing a bxqy/lyqt sorta love triangle fic but i suddenly thought of one (1) conversation between yani and that has lead to this. ive got most of this fic's plot down already so updates should be soon, im just struggling with some characterization LOL


	2. you're my violet in the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was supposedly the whole second day of the trip since i planned five chaps for each day but it turned out to be too long for my taste so i cut it in half

_You're my violet in the sun_

_You're the chosen one_

ii. transform // daniel caesar (ft. charlotte day wilson)

lingzi and shuxin wake the girls up the next morning with bright smiles on their faces and a reminder from the latter that they should all try to stick to the ‘schedule’ to make the most out of everything. over breakfast, zihan tells them about how beautiful the sunrise was that morning that resulted in a bunch of wow’s and empty promises to watch it tomorrow with her. “we’re gonna be too drunk for that!” keyin reminds all of them with half a mouth full of rice.

the girls run around the shore while waiting for their boat and yu yan sits on a towel with her small notebook for sketching, keeping an eye on her buddy chengxuan who was busy making a sandcastle with xueer. yu yan kinda wants to yell at jiaqi who’s attempting to distract the two other girls by blowing the sand or splashing water onto it until keni comes into her view.

zeng keni in her denim shorts and open flowing white button up that shows her navy bikini top and those _annoying_ abs that make yu yan worry if she was literally drooling right now. zeng keni who she shouldn’t be staring at just because she’s a hundred times more gorgeous than anybody on any Baywatch movie ever. zeng keni who makes yu yan furiously blush and also furiously draw in a poor attempt to divert her eyes but also…keep watching? yu yan knows keni _knows_ she’s been staring (probably with a mouth open too) because she has the audacity to smirk and approach in _slow motion_ with the wind blowing through her hair.

_this is just unfair._

the taller girl plops beside her and gets even closer to look at yu yan’s notebook. “should i stand back up so you can finish? maybe run a little?”

“shut up, i’m practicing lighting techniques.”

“sure.” keni teases her again and sticks a tongue out, knowing she won this time. “why are you wearing a shirt?”

yu yan’s mind short circuits into _whatwhatwhat_ but her smarter self knows better and just stands up to take her shirt off and turn her back to keni. it’s the other girl’s turn to stare now, eyes intensely looking at the art on the redhead’s back, tracing a finger over the curve of yu yan’s back that sends a chill down her spine.

“i will _never_ get tired of seeing this.” keni says it with so much…fervor and longing, catching both of them off guard and the taller girl’s eyes widen in realizing she said it out loud. “h-hey chengxuan! come here i know you’ve never seen this before!”

within two minutes all nine girls are behind yu yan and she’s almost sure zihan might have actually ran just to see her tattoo. they all express their amazement and start talking over each other to comment or ask questions about how painful it was or how long it took and yu yan just laughs and tells them about it until their boat arrives.

the ride to this smaller island nearby was quiet for the first few minutes until keyin stands up holding a water bottle in her hand for a mic. “ladies and babies good morning to you all! i’m your amazing host for this fifteen minute boat ride and we are going to start the fun right now!!”

cheering erupts from boat and yu yan reluctantly claps, getting a bad feeling from whatever sort of entertainment keyin could come up with on a boat.

“so as you all know…we have two babies on this trip.” the seniors all go ooooh and teasingly nudge the younger girls while yu yan raises an eyebrow at keyin who just winks at her. “zihan and chengxuan, as the most promising sophomore and freshman of the dance club we are going to have a special initiation today.”

“the two of you are going to…” the girls slap their times as in to drum roll as keyin pauses for suspense. “jump off this boat right now!”

everyone laughs and yu yan remembers she can’t take anything keyin says seriously and just decides to lean back and watch. “nah i’m kidding, of course we’re going to have a dance battle!”

all the girls howl in excitement and start clapping, xiaotang brings out her waterproof speakers and nods at keyin. “since you both know this song, you’re going to perform one minute of any part of R&B all night, just tell xiaotang what you want. of course our dance club captain and birthday girl number one will be the first judge along with birthday girl number two lingzi.”

“but wait…there’s more.” keyin smirks and yu yan actually feels some sort of danger alert going off somewhere in her brain, hunch telling her this isn’t going to end well.

“you can choose any of us here as a partner. it’s up to you if you’re going to make them dance or just use them as props.” keyin winks at the end of her explanation and when chengxuan’s gaze meets yu yan, the latter gets the feeling she won’t just be leaning back and watching this time.

chengxuan actually ends up choosing jiaqi who helped her with the song a few months ago and just when yu yan feels a smile creeping up her face, it’s gone in two seconds.

“okay, i’ll choose yu yan.”

_what?_

the girl in question gapes at zihan then looks at a grinning keyin and then at zihan again. “you know the dance right jiejie? and lingzi’s judging so…”

as much as she hates to admit it, zihan’s right and being annoyingly cute right now so yu yan doesn’t really protest and just slumps further in her seat.

“okay! who wants to go first?” it’s a miracle yu yan doesn’t get whiplash at how fast she turns her head to keyin again. “what? we’re doing this now?”

“of course!” shuxin exclaims like dancing on a small moving boat is the most sensible thing in the world and keni giggles beside the redhead.

“yu yan’s scared because she can’t swim.” the other girls try to hold their laughter from keni’s joke but yu yan’s cheeks redden and she’s suddenly jumping up from her seat. “i’m not scared. we’re doing it first.”

worry flashes on zihan’s face for a moment as she stands up with yu yan. “are you sure? we can ask them to go first.”

“no, we’re winning this thing.” it might have come out louder than intended because xiaotang responds to yu yan’s determination.

“it’s not that deep sis”

“no but the water is” laughter fills the boat again with xiaotang and keyin giving each other a high five before the redhead sends a silencing glare at them. it takes them only a minute to talk about what the plan and give instructions to xiaotang who prompts a loud cheer from the boat before the pair begins.

“lets go baby!” keni swears she sees a tint of red like the girl’s hair on the younger’s face but it’s gone in a second and the music starts.

yu yan dances (or at least tries) like she’s in an actual performance and despite the few seconds of worry flashing over her face that keni always catches every now and then, the taller girl’s grip on her seat tightens because yu yan is wearing a backless one piece with just a pair of short shorts over them and keni actually wants to _jump_. the performance ends faster than you can say blueberry but keni takes a full minute to get out of her trance because _what the actual hell._

“you okay?” she asks as if she didn’t just dance a sexy song looking like a whole five-course meal that sends keni’s brain into overdrive.

“uh yeah, good job”

jiaqi and chengxuan take their turn and xueer tries not to blush but the girls all tease her anyway for being a gay mess after while shuxin yells at her to grade fairly for their juniors. keyin stands up again with her faux mic and announces the winners so loudly it could probably be heard from their hotel.

“and the winners are…” she pauses again and the girls do a drum roll but keyin opens her mouth and then closes it again twice and giggling before actually saying it. “zihan and yu yan!”

everyone claps and the performers all shake hands, yu yan ruffling chengxuan’s hair with a smile, saying that she’ll get it next time.

“judges, do you want to say anything?” keyin points her water bottle at xueer who sticks her tongue out at a pouting jiaqi, before turning to smile at the winners.

“they won because they have good chemistry.” the girls whistle and tease the two but yu yan just smiles and shakes her head, sitting back down with keni.

they arrive at the first island of the day, running and playing around with breathless giggles and yu yan wonders why they’re only doing this now. through lunch and many more small islands and boat rides, yu yan stares a few more times and keni lets her; doing the same when the other’s not looking.

at some point between staring and bickering, yu yan draws. she draws with all her energy in her right hand, desperate to capture a part of zeng keni for herself. it’s frustrating how the sun envelopes the other girl in a warm, friendly coat; as if it had been put there to make her glow, to make her radiate glitter and the sun itself with her smile. yu yan thinks it’s impossible to encapsulate zeng keni’s beauty with words or with ink, but she tries anyway.

* * *

for some reason the girls are still brimming with energy after dinner. they gather around a quasi-fire camp set up (there were tiki torches) and shuxin appears with an actual mic this time, introducing herself as the host for the night.

“please welcome your gorgeous host, me!” there’s laughing and everyone claps to humor her, excited for what’s to come.

“i hope you’re all ready for tonight because well, you’re performing.” shuxin giggles to herself before continuing, “we have to start with a blast so of course we’re going to do non-daily revelry first!”

it’s kind of funny there are more performers than audience for the performance but yu yan, keni, and lingzi clap and cheer as enthusiastically as they can when the seven girls dance to party song. keni dances to a blackpink song and xueer joins her halfway, making jiaqi send a wink at yu yan for no reason.

“wow xueer, you’re really out here stealing other people’s spotlight.” keni laughs at shuxin’s joke after their performance and hugs xueer before slinging an arm around a surprised yu yan who was lightly talking to zihan.

shuxin and xiaotang actually surprise everyone by singing _anyone else but you_ and unabashedly looking at each other at the right times. “I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you” xiaotang sings like it’s their life story and maybe it is, because their voices oddly fit so well together that keni half believes it when shuxin jokingly apologizes to the next performers because that was already the peak.

jiaqi seems like she’s planning to make the night her concert because she performs the second time with lingzi, dancing a beautiful pas de deux from the nutcracker despite the small thin stage they’re on. everyone claps loudly and keyin lets out what seems like a howl, obviously excited from the pregame she’s started on with xiaotang and keni after the first performance.

yu yan gets up as shuxin introduces her and taps into the mic. “before i start, i’d just like to remind everyone to drink moderately and don’t influence chengxuan to do anything.”

“booo grandma!” there’s a cheeky grin from keni who then turns to chengxuan with a wink before the redhead starts strumming her guitar.

_Just say you love me, just for today_

_And don't give me time 'cause that's not the same_

it’s a bit of a shaky start, nervousness showing on the girl’s face who’s obviously never performed the song before.

_Want to feel burning flames when you say my name_

_Want to feel passion flow into my bones_

_Like blood through my veins_

yu yan closes her eyes, as if to channel the passion she sings about.

_'Cause I don't wanna fall in love_

_If you don't wanna try_

_But all that I've been thinking of_

_Is maybe that you might_

_And babe, it looks as though we're running out of words to say_

_And love's floating away_

by the time she gets to the bridge the night is filled with a deafening silence, everyone knows who this is for. everyone knows who she’s singing to.

_Some one told me love controls everything_

_But only if you know_

yu yan’s voice breaks when she sings the penultimate line about staying and the other girls can’t believe she’s actually pouring her heart into this, this song that wasn’t just a song. they’re quiet even after the performance, no one daring to break the silence until yu yan bows a whole ninety degrees and keyin claps nervously. there’s a big applause that follows and suddenly shuxin is back into her host mode.

“oh my god, voCAWLZZ. she’s really the main vocalist up in here, wow!!!” at least five girls take a swig when shuxin says the magic word and yu yan sighs in relief of getting out of that weird atmosphere.

_she just sang._

“our last performer for today is coming for her triple crown, let’s welcome xu jiaqi!”

“hi. uhh, this is going to be a bit different.” jiaqi takes a deep breath before starting, nervousness written on her face.

_I want you to know_

_one thing._

the girls realize she’s reciting a poem, a love poem and yu yan thinks she’s had enough heartfelt performances for the night, taking a huge swig of the bottle in her hands.

_You know how this is:_

_if I look_

_at the crystal moon, at the red branch_

_of the slow autumn at my window,_

_if I touch_

_near the fire_

_the impalpable ash_

_or the wrinkled body of the log,_

_everything carries me to you,_

_as if everything that exists,_

_aromas, light, metals,_

_were little boats_

_that sail_

_toward those isles of yours that wait for me._

xueer looks at jiaqi fondly, like she knows where this is going, like she’s heard it a dozen times before. maybe not neruda, but the shake in the other girl's voice, the vulnerability, the fondness, all the intimacy shared in between.

_Well, now,_

_if little by little you stop loving me_

_I shall stop loving you little by little._

_If suddenly_

_you forget me_

_do not look for me,_

_for I shall already have forgotten you._

yu yan feels keni’s left hand on her right, taking the initiative to intertwine it for them but looking straight ahead at jiaqi whose voice has steadied but also whose hands have started shaking.

_If you think it long and mad,_

_the wind of banners_

_that passes through my life,_

_and you decide_

_to leave me at the shore_

_of the heart where I have roots,_

_remember_

_that on that day,_

_at that hour,_

_I shall lift my arms_

_and my roots will set off_

_to seek another land._

she counts the number of times keni turns to her, it helps to know they’re also the number of times yu yan’s wanted to face her too, maybe even more. but she doesn’t. there’s something hanging in between the few inches of distance in between them and yu yan thinks, _not now._

_But_

_if each day,_

_each hour,_

_you feel that you are destined for me_

_with implacable sweetness,_

_if each day a flower_

_climbs up to your lips to seek me,_

_ah my love, ah my own,_

_in me all that fire is repeated,_

_in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,_

_my love feeds on your love, beloved,_

_and as long as you live it will be in your arms_

_without leaving mine._

yu yan doesn’t know when xueer started crying, but she’s suddenly very interested in watching her hug jiaqi, concentrated on what’s in front of her instead of the elephant begging to be acknowledged.

“i—i thought you were just going to dance for me.” xueer says in between sniffles, “but i think you’ll never run out of things to surprise me with.”

jiaqi hugs her impossibly tighter and everyone says their awws and cheers, with shuxin loudly starting a birthday song for lingzi and jiaqi. the girls are all singing and smiling and keni’s hands are still in hers so yu yan thinks _we’ll just be happy tonight._

just like she promised the taller girl, _we’ll just be happy, let’s not ruin anything just for tonight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst in the next chapter <3  
> i actually took the longest time deciding what yu yan was going to sing LOL music's a really important factor in everything i do and i just wanna share the other options i was choosing from:
> 
> bubble gum // clairo  
> i wouldn't ask you // clairo  
> tell me that you love me // james smith  
> moon river // audrey hepburn  
> also lyqt/bxqy fic hint in the performance part of this chapter :D  
> quiet // jason mraz  
> and please don't say you love me // gabrielle aplin
> 
> let me know what your thoughts are about this chapter and the next few moments of Pain :D


	3. for fuck's sake, i'm already yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yu yan promised to just be happy but promises are meant to be broken right?

iii. urs // NIKI

_Now it's all guessing games, I'm guessing every gaze, like_

_Do you, don't you, would you even stay if you did?_

yu yan ruins it in three hours.

keni thinks she should’ve stopped the redhead from playing her fifth game of beer pong with keyin, they weren’t even sure if it was really just beer in those cups. but keni can’t really complain about yu yan’s drunken stupor when she’s maybe two jäger shots away from the same state.

“I WON!” yu yan yells enough to be heard from their room, laughing loudly and pointing at keyin. “you’re a loser!”

keyin doesn’t even finish her eyeroll before yu yan staggers over to grab keni’s hand and drags the taller girl away. “let’s go to the beach! let’s go get away”

keni giggles and holds her hand until they get to the shore, stumbling a bit here and there but they make it anyway, even passing by jiaqi and xueer taking a walk (if you call wobbling and waltzing around a walk).

“the moon is so big, wow!” yu yan might have said that just to imitate shuxin, but it makes keni laugh anyway. “it’s not even full, it’s like your tattoo here.”

the redhead shivers when keni places a finger behind her ear, giggling a bit at the ticklish touch as she looks up again. “keni, i want to give the moon a hug!”

keni’s drinking from her water bottle when yu yan starts walking towards the water, quickly putting it away to grab yu yan from under her shoulders to drag her a few feet away from the ocean.

“hug me instead.” keni lowers her arms to wrap it around the redhead’s waist, front pressing against yu yan’s back.

she’s about to rest her chin on the other’s shoulder when yu yan pulls away. “no! no hugs for you.”

she pouts and knots her eyebrows, crossing her arms in front of her chest. keni almost laughs.

“go hug that waiter from earlier instead.” keni actually laughs this time, jealous yu yan was adorable.

“why are you laughing? is it that funny?”

“i think you need to drink water babe.” yu yan shakes her head and points a finger at the other girl. “you’re so a-annoying! you’re always calling me whatever and hugging and touching and _staring_ , it’s driving me insane.”

_is she actually serious right now?_

“we’ve been dancing around our f-feelings for god knows how long and you still insist on acting like a child.” that would have been a good time to stop talking but yu yan, much like her sober self, doesn’t do anything half-assed.

“sorry you lost your youth to the ugly fiends in the industry but _grow up_ , zeng keni. every time i try to pull you in, you push me away. and then you make me jealous like we’re in fucking high school but it works _every_ time and i’m wrapped around your finger again.” yu yan says all that in two breaths and keni wonders how long she’s been wanting to say that, how long yu yan’s been ignoring the cracks.

she knows the answer anyway, just like how she knows every question the girl has, every little flaw she probably will scream about in a few seconds. she’s taken it upon herself to memorize yu yan just as the other girl has done for her, taking in every inch of the girl’s skin. every talent, every fault, every dream; she already knows what yu yan will say, doesn’t mean it’ll hurt any less.

but keni doesn’t want to fight. she doesn’t want to cry over words from someone who won’t even remember what she said in the morning, even if it felt like a sixteen wheeler just ran over her.

yu yan’s looking at her expectantly, like she actually thought they should be talking about this right now. keni steps forward instead, placing her hands around the shorter girl’s face. she thinks yu yan almost relaxes into it, closing her eyes for a millisecond but she shoves keni’s hands away instead.

“no you don’t get to do that.” she stumbles a few feet away from the other girl and then turns. “you can’t let me fall in deeper and then pretend to forget in the morning.”

“is that what this is about? _that_ night?”

“no this is about you being a coward.” yu yan says it with so much spite that keni doesn’t have the chance to stop herself from saying, “because it’s sooo easy for you, mighty lion yu yan!”

keni takes a step towards the other girl whose eyebrows are still knotted “do you think when i tell you i love you, we’ll graduate and then move into a house with our two cats and a pitbull?”

“do you think our Chinese parents are going to clap and jump about this? do you think that a few years into a relationship, you wont get tired of my pouting, my crying; and i wont get annoyed at your loud mouth?” her voice is shaking when she takes another step, almost eliminating the distance between them.

keni holds her chin again, softer this time, and the other girl doesn’t budge. she looks at yu yan straight in the eyes, her half-lidded eyes opening fully as she sees keni’s becoming more glassy.

“do you think you’ll still love me then?” keni’s voice breaks, much like her blood-pumping organ has tonight. but she stands still, waiting for an answer she knows she wouldn’t get.

yu yan stares for a few seconds until her eyes widen and steps away from keni, doubling over to throw up and later on pass out a few inches away from her vomit.

_great. i told you to fix your mouth, yu yan._

keni laughs bitterly and then breathes in, no tears fall from her eyes but keeping it in might just be as hard as keeping her feelings at bay for four years.

somehow she gets yu yan on her back and keyin stares as she carries the girl on her back to the hotel, the rapper seemingly just a little less drunk than yu yan, but still has a frown on her face; a knowing gaze at her old friends.

she follows them up after a few minutes, telling keni she’ll sleep in this room instead and hands the taller girl a water bottle before keni hears a thud on her bed.

zihan’s already sleeping (surprise) when lingzi hugs her in the next room and _finally,_ keni cries.

_If I walk out the door, it starts our last goodbye_   
_If you don't pull me back, it wakes a thousand eyes_


	4. it's time to let go of this endless summer afternoon

iv. hard feelings // lorde

yu yan wakes up with a splitting headache and a feeling of regret without knowing why. there’s nobody in the room but she finds a bowl of the corn and carrot soup keni brought “ _just in case, yu yan”_ and then it hits her.

 _keni_.

she remembers seeing her face, her eyes.

_keni’s eyes keni’s eyes keni’s eyes_

there are flashes of the night before in her head, but only just that, flashes. of her laugh, of her voice, of her eyes brimming with tears and pain and disappointment. she’s never seen keni that broken before.

and yu yan knew it was because of her.

“good morning loyal soldier yu yan!” she sits up to see a grinning keyin against the doorway with a cup of coffee. “remember anything from last night?”

“not really much past xiaotang and shuxin dancing on the table.” keyin chuckles with a small eyeroll “they were five seconds away from breaking it i swear.”

“do you remember…uhm…after that?” there’s so much uncertainty in her voice that keyin almost wonders if she’s talking to the right person.

“keni carried you all the way here. it’s pretty amazing actually, you know how weak she is.” keyin sits on the other bed as she tries to read yu yan’s face.

“made you that too.” she gestures to the bowl and raises and eyebrow. “still taking care of you even if you hurt her.”

it’s a challenge. a probe that yu yan takes when she looks up and there’s a flash of something in her eyes. was it hurt? or maybe concession? keyin can’t figure out exactly.

keni was always better at reading yu yan anyway.

“i—i know i did” yu yan looks at her with eyes full of guilt for two seconds but she looks away quickly, not wanting keyin see any more. well, keyin doesn’t want to see her like that either.

she didn’t want to see either of them like that, but she still did. “you know i’ve known you guys the longest here right?”

“keni’s only been truly upset with you like thrice in the last four years.”

“what’s your point?” yu yan raises an eyebrow and for a second keyin thinks the lion might be coming back again, but also maybe not.

“she loves you.” there’s a pregnant pause before keyin looks her in the eyes and says, “she doesn’t have to scream it from rooftops for you to feel it, you already know.”

she does. everyone else did too, there was something in the way keni sometimes looks at her that just radiates adoration. in those times it would feel like everyone was getting blurry and you would know you’re part of it, because keni’s only looking at yu yan.

keyin wonders if keni knows yu yan looks at her like that too, maybe even more than she does.

the redhead closes her eyes and sighs. “the worst part is i don’t even remember everything i said.”

“i just—i know she’s scared.”

and in a millisecond after she says that, something clicks.

_because it’s so easy for you, mighty lion yu yan_

yu yan remembers calling keni a coward and talking too fast and getting jealous and even—that night. she alluded to that one night in november and yu yan thinks she might actually punch herself.

why she would bring up keni’s past and that night, she doesn’t know. but yu yan’s half glad the flashes are more of fragments now and she knows there’s something missing. there’s something in between calling her a coward and keni’s watery eyes that yu yan doesn’t remember yet and she thinks maybe, it’s the one that will break her. maybe it’s the one that broke keni.

keyin must have noticed her spacing out because she walks over to yu yan’s bed and sits beside her, a soft knowing smile on her face. “sometimes throwing a kid into the deep end of the pool won’t teach them how to swim. it’ll only make them be more afraid of drowning”

yu yan looks at her, furries her eyebrows, and then chuckles. “you fool, all these metaphors when _i_ can’t swim.”

“you get what i mean anyway.”

“maybe it’s because im a Capricorn moon.” keyin lightly smacks her head when yu yan mentions her sign, relief showing on her face in knowing that yu yan’s still there.

“no it’s because you’re an idiot. go eat and shower, we’re supposed to leave in half an hour.”

“thanks xie xue.”

* * *

keyin climbs into the navigator seat and jokes with their juniors while vampire weekend softly plays in the background. it’s even louder than when they first took off but yu yan still has a 5’10” sized hole in her chest.

it’s weird with lingzi too, like she knows something yu yan doesn’t. it’s becoming clearer to yu yan now how ingenius xiaotang was (don’t tell her) for coming up with the buddy system because there’s no doubt keni was avoiding her and she doesn’t want to approach the taller girl either with half a memory.

when they get to their pastel pink airbnb in the afternoon, keni almost runs out of the van and smiles at the sight of the house. yu yan stays in the driver seat a little longer, as if doing that would preserve the moment and she’ll only see keni’s smile.

it’s interrupted anyway by keyin knocking on her window. “hey, don’t get out actually because we’re just unloading the luggages and then we’ll go again.”

“where?”

“to the peak to see the sunset.” yu yan nods because it makes sense and then nods some more when keyin gives her directions while chengxuan, lingzi, and zihan talk animatedly in the backseat.

the path to the cliff they were going to was actually short, it was probably already a tourist destination since they only walked around half a mile from their cars.

there’s a breathtaking sea of clouds beneath them and yu yan thinks about softness and keni. what could have been a happier memory if she was a little more sober last night.

keyin screams into the void about something related to a rapping engineer while shuxin and xiaotang yell in unison, surprising each other (but no one else) when they both say i love you.

“kong xueer is so clingy to everyone but she’s mine!” xueer’s cheeks redden when jiaqi screams and pushes her lightly before joining, “xu jiaqi charms everyone but she’s mine!”

there’s a collective groaning before the girls make chengxuan to do it too, adorably yelling, “i hope we all have a happy roadtrip!” xueer pinches her cheeks and the other girls coo before lingzi yells something about dinosaurs, making keni chuckle.

“yu yan, your turn!”the redhead glares at a grinning keyin and jiaqi, the other girls also anticipating what she’ll say.

but none of them expect what comes out of yu yan’s mouth next, her voice echoing through the mountains. “I’M SORRY”

yu yan’s taken aback by herself too, and for a moment she thinks it’s gonna be even more awkward than the song but zihan yells right after.

“i’ll watch the sunrise right here tomorrow!” there’s some laughing and a few actual promises to watch with her, shuxin saying something about team Lisa. they’re met by orange and red skies a few minutes later and it takes all of yu yan’s willpower to not look at the girl eight heads away from her.

she does it anyway, looking past everyone when the other girls stand up to go back to the car. for a split second yu yan thinks keni’s actually slowly turning her head to face her but she’s met with lingzi’s eyes instead.

“we’ll be right there, you guys go ahead.”

chengxuan holds her hand on the way back and yu yan lets her. she seems lost in a trance, and chengxuan knows it’s because yu yan wants to run back. yu yan wants to run back to keni and hold her and fix everything but she knows that’s not possible yet.

and then she hears it. when yu yan could no longer see two tall figures when she looked back, she heard it. it’s a loud agonizing wail echoing through the mountain that makes yu yan drop to her knees.

keni screams like she’s never screamed before, she screams with desperation in her voice, like it’ll drain all the fear and pain away. keni screams with no words at all but it’s more than enough for yu yan.

_do you think you’ll still love me then?_

colour drains from her face like the air from keni’s lungs half a kilometer away, she remembers. it rushes back like lightning through her skin and she almost wishes she didn't remember. how keni's voice broke when she asked that, how her voice was dripping with an inexorable love, but also a helpless one. yu yan’s still kneeling catatonic on the ground when chengxuan crouches beside her.

“jiejie can you breathe with me please?” yu yan follows the younger girl’s deep breaths as chengxuan rubs her back. “please let me take care of you this time.”

chengxuan mentions something about a text from lingzi and makes yu yan get up and start walking. she finally regains herself when she hears a certain name.

“what?”

“lingzi said keni jiejie shouldn’t see you, and that they’ll ride the van.”

yu yan stops walking and thinks of how slow they’re walking. she thinks of the distance between them and how small it could be right now if she slowed down even more. she thinks of keni’s face and her eyes and how much it will hurt if they see each other right now. both yearning, but also empty and confused.

“okay.” yu yan walks faster.

* * *

“hi.” xueer rests her elbows on the balcony’s pink rails as she approaches yu yan after their dinner. keni, lingzi, and jiaqi went out to eat somewhere else and the other girls tried their best to still laugh it off, yu yan swears xiaotang almost started a food fight.

“hey.”

“nice weather?” yu yan visibly cringes at the other girl’s small talk. it’s too cold.

“god that’s so awkward, what do you want xueer?” she feels bad at how xueer winces, knowing her words came out more bluntly than usual.

“it’s just been tense lately, i wanted to check on you.” yu yan glances over and softens, xueer has always been gentle, always caring.

“sorry. for that and for uh…ruining your birthday.” the other girl chuckles a bit when yu yan awkwardly apologies, waving her hands to say it’s not needed.

“what? no. you and keni have made it more…memorable.” xueer gives her a genuine smile, “don’t worry.”

“do you remember when the team won that competition last year? in november?”

“yeah”

“and we had a party right?”

“of course.” yu yan wonders if xueer knows, if she’s actually close enough to keni to know. but she knows it will always stay between the two of them, a dirty little secret keni even tried to forget.

“yeah and keni was a drunk mess that night, but we were hanging on my balcony and i had never heard her say anything with more sincerity.”

“she said you were always brave, always fighting for other people. that you had no one doing the same” xueer turns to look at yu yan in the eyes when she tells her, like she wanted to pass on the memory to her.

“keni wanted to be the one who would fight for you, she just doesn’t know how yet.” it’s kind of scary how she says it so softly yet so convicted. like nothing else makes more sense that that, than keni wanting to fight for her.

“xueer—”

“i’m sorry by the way, about ziqian.” it’s yu yan’s turn to wince at the mention of her high school love and xueer bites her lower lip. “i thought of her first when keni said that. did she know at the time?”

“yeah of course.”

“figures. i know she doesn’t want to break your heart, yan.” it’s nothing but a memory yu yan doesn’t want to go back to. “she won’t run away like that.”

xueer sees hurt flash in yu yan’s eyes and wonders if she took one step too far. she’s reminded of promises of running away but yu yan wasn’t notified it was gonna be running away from her instead of with her. keni would never do that. “i know.”

“but i blew it for us didn’t i?”

one terrible thing about knowing someone like the back of your hand is that you know exactly which buttons to push and which wounds will burn. the only thing worse than that is actually using that to hurt them.

“no you didn’t” xueer purses her lips before continuing, “it’s not in your nature to give up, you’re annoyingly persistent.”

yu yan chuckles before she sees jiaqi pull up in the driveway. “you’re probably right princess.”

“i know i am” xueer sticks her tounge out as she walks away.

“im home, cheater!” jiaqi yells when she sees xueer ~~run~~ walk to her and they giggle in a hug. yu yan rolls her eyes but doesn’t really pay attention anymore when two other girls get out of the van and she swears she meets keni's eyes for a second. 

_i won’t give up on us, zeng keni._

_I'm just wishin on a fallen star_  
_My daddy says it won't get me far_  
_But i'll try for you, i'll try for you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still devastated over keni not getting into top 9 :<  
> let's hope 172 girls is a legit group and not just a performance <3 
> 
> end song: beterrr // orion sun
> 
> also 5'10" wasnt a mistake, i firmly believe keni's lying about her height


	5. i would gladly be the icarus to your certainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> listen to sunlight and its lyrics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long. more keni centric this time xx

v. sunlight // hozier

keni takes a deep breath in, listening to the sound of the air around her. 

“and when you breathe out, breathe out _everything_ in you, you’re releasing all the energy. everything you’ve been meaning to release, let that out. let yourself be free.”

that was umi, from the meditation video shuxin forced them to listen to and honestly? it was kinda working.

“paint an image in your mind of what makes you happy. An object, a person, or just an abstract represe—"

keni’s eyes flicker open to see the three other girls looking at her. it’s how she knows there was probably something on her face—right, a tear.

“the sun’s going to rise in a bit!” shuxin smiles and points at nothing as keni lightly brushes her thumb on her cheek and smiles back. she really smiles back, then smiles at zihan and xueer too as they all face the edge of the cliff. it’s easy to see how much shuxin tries to make her laugh, how softly zihan calls her jiejie, and how xueer steals glances every now and then, as if she was scared something was gonna break.

keni smiles a genuine smile at them because she appreciates all of it, and the meditation really did help. but keni’s also strong.

beyond all the teasing for being a crybaby and being as playful as a gradeschooler, zeng keni is stronger than what most people think. maybe it's all the years she's been on this earth, or maybe it's every rejection she's had to accept, every ruse in her five year career.

it’s something yu yan understands. it’s the reason why it’s so easy for the redhead to point it out when she’s done something wrong, the reason why sometimes all she has to do is sit beside her with a water bottle when she cries. so keni doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for herself to stop sweeping _this_ under the rug.

“let’s go back and eat!!” after all the selfies and sunrise photos, xueer all but runs to the car, earning a giggling zihan and shuxin teasing her for missing her girlfriend.

when they get back the girls squeal at how much food there is on the table. keni smiles when she sees a particularly big serving of her favourite noodles and knows exactly why it’s there.

“this is crazy, when did they even prepare all this?” it’s an all too familiar taste, one that she will never get enough of. but keni doesn’t look for her, or talks to her when she sits right across the table.

“keni, you’re evil for eating that much and gaining nothing” she chuckles and simply sticks her tounge out at xiaotang.

her eyes meet yu yan’s gaze and keni’s lips curve up, grateful and knowing. “im going to stay behind when you guys go horseback riding by the way.”

jiaqi’s eyebrows perk up and with half a mouth full she asks, “why?”

“lingzihan need a ride.” the other girls say their ahhs and xueer remembers her conversation with zihan a week ago.

“right, they’re meeting linfan and xinyi.”

“flakers!” keyin gets a light slap on the shoulder when she interjects and shuxin reminds her she wouldn’t be here if zihan didn’t wake her up four days ago. in between loud laughter and what seems to be xiaotang wanting to start a food fight again, keni looks at yu yan in the eyes one last time that morning.

* * *

lingzi's halfway through packing when keni lands on her bed with a sigh. 

"did you talk?"

"no." lingzi gives her a pointed look at that. "i just got her keys. maybe later."

"are you waiting for her, or is she waiting for you?" lingzi asks even though they both knew the answer to that.

_we're waiting for each other. we always have been._

it's the only reason why they've gone this long, keni thinks. "should i approach her first?"

"maybe she thinks you're mad or something."

"i'm sure she knows i'm not mad." keni responds too quickly, her tone just staggering a little between conviction and disbelief. "i just—i don't know why i reacted like that."

"four years of repression would do that." lingzi laughs lightly but her face turns serious in half a second. "you were hurt." 

"because it was true. everything she said was true." keni’s eyes shut close when she says it, like she’s going back somewhere. "i'm scared."

"isn't she?"

_When I feel what I feel, Sometimes it's hard to tell you so_

_You may not be in the mood to learn, What you think you know_

driving in a mountain province with the windows open and the Spirited Away ost playing in the background was probably something keni should be doing more often in her life. the afternoon breeze was just the right kind of cold and she finds herself smiling at how clear her mind was right now after dropping off lingzi and zihan in town. absolutely no thoughts until—

"keni!" maybe she should have heard the galloping when it was farther away but there's a black horse running very closely to the car which she would be worried about if it wasn't its owner riding said horse. 

"yu yan?! what the fuck?" when keni looks at the side mirror again she almost laughs at the brown horse closely following the other girl, horse tamer shouting probably angry things. 

she makes sure the road is clear to stop at the side and sighs in relief when yu yan manages to make the horse stop as well, stepping down to bow at the man who chased her and haphazardly apologize. when he leaves and yu yan sits in the passenger seat of her own car with her head down, keni finally laughs. loudly. 

"oh my god, are you out of your mind?" keni stops laughing but yu yan's cheeks are still red and keni chuckles lightly again. "you're insane, doing this cheesy romantic thing with the horse. i'm surprised it's not white."

yu yan gets even more flustered before she mumbles a reply. "it’s jiaqi, she said something about you going with them.”

“and you thought i was gonna go like that?” keni says it with a ghost of a smile still on her face, but yu yan almost hears the words that echo through.

_did you think i was going to run away from this? from you?_

“no. that’s why i went here instead.” keni doesn’t say anything in return, choosing to start driving back to their airbnb instead. “i didn’t wanna just stand there and wait.”

there’s a smirk that forms on her face that yu yan knows too well. “except you were sitting, on a horse. that you abducted to go here.” 

“god you drive me crazy.” there’s something in the way she groans it out that makes keni’s smile fade, air suddenly growing thicker. “you drive me crazy. you do stupid shit, you’re clingy, and you cry every other day.”

when yu yan repeats herself keni looks ahead, speeding up just a little. there’s a glint in the redhead’s eyes that says this monologue isn’t going to be like the other night.

“but you also keep me sane. you’re the only one who can see every side of me.” keni feels yu yan look at her from the corner of her eye. “…and you’re my muse.”

it’s an overdue confession, one that keni already knows. one that she’s been dying to hear since sophomore year and yet, one that she can’t even bring herself to respond to.

_i thought i was ready for this_

so keni drives instead. she drives like she’s on a freeway, focused and careful, like there are a hundred speeding cars on what’s actually an empty road. maybe if she drove fast enough she won’t feel yu yan look at her then look away too many times, won’t know that she’s probably doing that _thing_ with her bottom lip. maybe she won’t have to tell yu yan she drives her crazy too.

“i’m sorry.” keni breathes out the moment her room’s door closes. “i just don’t want to be one of those couples who break up a few months after college when they realize they can’t handle it. i don’t know how long it’ll work, i don’t know _if_ it’ll work out between us. and i don’t want to lose you because of that.”

_i don’t want to lose you ever._

keni looks at the other girl and wonders if this is what she looked like two nights ago, with welled up eyes and furried eyebrows, a determined look to not let a single tear fall. “i’m scared too, of all of it. but my greatest fear is regretting not taking a chance. keni, please.”

in between her voice breaking as she mutters the last word and the tears finally falling, keni takes two steps forward and cups her right cheek with her hand. “i’m sorry.”

she says it again as she wipes a tear before it reaches yu yan’s jaw. “i’m sorry if i break your heart.”

“i don’t know if we can make it work, but i know we have to try.” keni leans down a little to rest her forehead on yu yan’s, smiling a little before she says. “i won’t give up either, yu yan.”

when their lips meet, it’s not their first kiss nor is it a thing of fireworks or sparks. it’s slow, and breathy, and keni mildly tastes like the spicy strips she left in the car. but it’s gentle, and like a butterfly softly landing on a flower before it pollinates, it’s beautiful. it’s the one that matters.

keni smiles into it and leans back, getting ready to tease yu yan for crying when the redhead turns her face to show her left side profile. “kiss me once cause you know i had a long night?”

the taller girl raises an eyebrow but still places a soft kiss on her cheek. “kiss me twice cause it’s gonna be alright.”

keni’s eyes widen a bit but she rolls her eyes and smiles anyway, lips landing on yu yan’s other cheek.

“three times cause i’ve waited my whole life.” keni says it this time with a grin, a trapezoid smile greeting her back before they kiss again. it’s hungrier this time, one that builds up to a crescendo, one that says _let’s make up for our lost time._

_But at your best you are love, you're a positive motivating force within my life_

_If you ever feel the need to wonder why, Let me know, let me know_

after an hour of making out and making snacks and another hour of driving, yu yan and keni sit by the cliff the taller girl meditated at this morning.

“so what would you name them?” yu yan asks as keni leans a little to rest her head on her shoulder.

“who?”

“our two cats and the pitbull.” the question catches the other girl off guard, keni becoming a flustered mess before a lightbulb appears over her head.

“mantou…and baozi!”

yu yan chuckles with an eyeroll. “ah of course it’s about food.”

“shut up i know you’ll name the pitbull something dumb too, like evil.”

“good idea!” yu yan thinks her cheeks might start to hurt from smiling but the way keni gasps excitedly when the sun starts setting lets her know it’ll be fine. they’ll be fine.

“zeng keni?” when she turns around and smiles, yu yan wonders why she’s waited all this time to say it. “i love you.”

it starts off as a whisper but yu yan says it louder until it echoes through the mountains and keni covers her mouth while giggling, only to scream it back into the void, at the top of her lungs. when she calls yu yan cheesy for the fourth time that afternoon, they’re holding hands in her car and she thinks, it’s a perfect cheesy ending for them. and a perfect beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to everyone who read until the end! sorry the last chapter took so long lmao my Word wasn't working properly and i honestly didn't know what i wanted to have in certain parts of it. anyway i hope you guys liked it and if you wanna share your thoughts please leave a comment <3
> 
> lyrics in the middle of the chapter are from at your best you are love (listen to the frank ocean cover) and yu yan quotes Paper Rings by Taylor Swift towards the end. we will never let her Blank Space caption go =)

**Author's Note:**

> so i was actually preparing a bxqy/lyqt sorta love triangle fic but i suddenly thought of one (1) conversation between yani and that has lead to this. ive got most of this fic's plot down already so updates should be soon, im just struggling with some characterization LOL


End file.
